Yes, I am a fan of The Princess Bride! I thought I would tackle a biggie today. I'm not sure where this post will wander, but it will be interesting. I have been married for over 17yrs. I got married 2 weeks shy of my 20th birthday. My husband was 21. We were raised in a religion/cult that encouraged dating with the intent of marriage No serial dating, no getting a chance to be in relationships with different personalities to see how you meshed, no chance to explore your sexuality to see what you liked, no chance to grow up because when your hormones are raging, you just want to jump someone and that is not possible until you are married. Did I mention the chaperones with you at all times, too? Needless to say, many of us got married young to people we didn't really know, and never got to figure out what we really did like or not.
Fortunately for me, I married a boy who was head over heals in love with, was not an abusive person, did not have a disrespect for women. He has grown into a man that is head over heals in love with me, is not abusive, and does not have a disrespect for women. And for this, I am so very thankful. But why am I so unhappy now? Why is the grass always greener on the other side? I know it's not, because I have seen the single men, and had friendships with the married ones. They are all no better, and many far worse, than my husband. But why does a marriage go through times when we take turns wanting out? When we know what is out there, but still think we could be happier? Were we meant to be monogamous? Was marriage an institution we were made to be in until death do us part? Why?
There are thousands of counselors, millions of books and videos made with the intent of helping marriages stay together. Our parents didn't have nearly this much, and our grandparents had next to nothing like this, but yet their marriages stayed together no matter what. They put up with a whole BUNCH of shit and still stayed because of the stigma of divorce. Now, we don't have that stigma and it is a norm. It is actually out of the norm to be in a marriage of 20yrs or more. What does this say about us? That when we deny ourselves and our happiness and self worth, as our grandparents may have done, then marriage works. But when we try to remain true to ourselves and make our happiness a part our routine, it doesn't? What does this say about marriage? What does this say about us?
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Round Two...Who Knew?
Wow! Second post! I must say I am pretty proud of myself about this.
I thought I would talk about how I came up with the Name for my blog. There are a couple reasons:
1 - I am a Gemini, and am somewhat into astrology and signs
2 - Many times I feel like I have to conform to the group or people around me and my environment. Hence the "in Disguise"
I sometimes feel like there is a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde battle going on in me. I have so many different "me's" that it gets aggravating to figure out who I truly am. Allow me to explain this one.
I am a mother of a toddler and a tween. I am also a wife. I am also a daughter. I am also a best friend. I am also a friend/acquaintance. Each one of these roles comes with a separate "Amy". Each "Amy" reacts differently in each environment. How am I supposed to figure out who I am if I am given a 500 page script of life and each act requires a different character? And what parts of the characters is it ok to overlap? Can I be the same lazy, demanding person as I am when visiting my parents, when I am home taking care of my children? Can I say the same shocking things as I do to my best friend, when I am talking to my parents? Can I be as biting as I am to my husband, when I am with my grandmother? How can all of these facets of "Amy" remain so separated, and yet Amy continue to keep it together? Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes, I am so unhinged I crash. I hide from my family in my room and cry. I poke and prod at my husband and marriage to see if it is secure enough to hold me. I don't call my grandmother.
When these things happen, I call my best friend. She is my anchor in the tsunami. She is my sounding board. She reminds me I need to plant my feet firmly below me and quiet the chaos. I need to ground myself and protect my heart and head. I need to stop looking out at everyone and everything and look within. When we look within and we ground ourselves, it is SO much easier to be able to put up with life.
How do I ground? How do I plant my feet?
I meditate.
And when I say I meditate, I don't mean sitting on a yoga mat for 30mins at a time. Are you kidding? Did you read that I'm a Mom?
No, I go to my room when the oldest is at school and the youngest is involved in a good Disney channel episode. I sit on the edge of my bed, and I breathe. I take three deep breaths before I allow myself to begin calming down. I start to imagine all the dark grey negative shit going out with my breaths, and golden white glitter and light shining down on me and going in through my nose when I breathe in.
When the dark grey is all gone, I then imagine myself on a beach because the ocean makes me feel alive. It gives me life and calm. I dig my bare feet in the sand and hear the waves crash. I hear the seagulls (and I always hear them far off, because I got pooped on by one once, and never want that to happen again) and I squint because the sun is so bright. It is always about 75-80 degrees with a little breeze. Just enough to feel wisps of hair blow onto my face and not hot enough to sweat.
And here's the best part...I usually have a glass filled with ice, gin, tonic and a slice of lime. And I sip it with my feet in the sand, the ocean and gulls in my ear, and the wind caressing my face. It is heaven. It is just me. I love it.
This only takes about 5-7 minutes of my time, and I come back refreshed and ready.
Until the next time...
I thought I would talk about how I came up with the Name for my blog. There are a couple reasons:
1 - I am a Gemini, and am somewhat into astrology and signs
2 - Many times I feel like I have to conform to the group or people around me and my environment. Hence the "in Disguise"
I sometimes feel like there is a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde battle going on in me. I have so many different "me's" that it gets aggravating to figure out who I truly am. Allow me to explain this one.
I am a mother of a toddler and a tween. I am also a wife. I am also a daughter. I am also a best friend. I am also a friend/acquaintance. Each one of these roles comes with a separate "Amy". Each "Amy" reacts differently in each environment. How am I supposed to figure out who I am if I am given a 500 page script of life and each act requires a different character? And what parts of the characters is it ok to overlap? Can I be the same lazy, demanding person as I am when visiting my parents, when I am home taking care of my children? Can I say the same shocking things as I do to my best friend, when I am talking to my parents? Can I be as biting as I am to my husband, when I am with my grandmother? How can all of these facets of "Amy" remain so separated, and yet Amy continue to keep it together? Sometimes I don't.
Sometimes, I am so unhinged I crash. I hide from my family in my room and cry. I poke and prod at my husband and marriage to see if it is secure enough to hold me. I don't call my grandmother.
When these things happen, I call my best friend. She is my anchor in the tsunami. She is my sounding board. She reminds me I need to plant my feet firmly below me and quiet the chaos. I need to ground myself and protect my heart and head. I need to stop looking out at everyone and everything and look within. When we look within and we ground ourselves, it is SO much easier to be able to put up with life.
How do I ground? How do I plant my feet?
I meditate.
And when I say I meditate, I don't mean sitting on a yoga mat for 30mins at a time. Are you kidding? Did you read that I'm a Mom?
No, I go to my room when the oldest is at school and the youngest is involved in a good Disney channel episode. I sit on the edge of my bed, and I breathe. I take three deep breaths before I allow myself to begin calming down. I start to imagine all the dark grey negative shit going out with my breaths, and golden white glitter and light shining down on me and going in through my nose when I breathe in.
When the dark grey is all gone, I then imagine myself on a beach because the ocean makes me feel alive. It gives me life and calm. I dig my bare feet in the sand and hear the waves crash. I hear the seagulls (and I always hear them far off, because I got pooped on by one once, and never want that to happen again) and I squint because the sun is so bright. It is always about 75-80 degrees with a little breeze. Just enough to feel wisps of hair blow onto my face and not hot enough to sweat.
And here's the best part...I usually have a glass filled with ice, gin, tonic and a slice of lime. And I sip it with my feet in the sand, the ocean and gulls in my ear, and the wind caressing my face. It is heaven. It is just me. I love it.
This only takes about 5-7 minutes of my time, and I come back refreshed and ready.
Until the next time...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Here it is....
My first foray into eternity (or at least as long as the internet is around). I was encouraged by my best friend to do this. Let loose, encourage, inquire, share "Me" online. I am treating this blog as an online journal of my life, thoughts ideas, struggles, accomplishments, but I am not writing as a diary. I am writing as your girlfriend, your sounding board, your doppelganger. I am writing to hear you say "YES! WHY do they do that?! I thought I was the only one that felt this way!" or "I never admitted this, but that is my fear and your post has made me realize I need to take steps to face it" or "You are CRAZY! but SO AM I!".
I will share the thoughts that I think are important to get out there. I will share my exciting, personal accomplishments and how I react. I will share heartbreak and sadness and how I sink and then float. I am a spiritual person, but also a realist. I will share my leaps of faith and also my "back to reality" moments. My questioning of my faith.
I will also share what I am in love with: family, friendships, food...hmmm... a lot of F's there....
So...the fact that I even did this first post
No. Wait.
The fact that I even set up a blog AND THEN posted this first post is HUGE, and a big "To Do" for me.
I need to run and hide now, regroup, build up my confidence in order to come back and do this again. The internet may give off the aura of being an anonymous playground, but it is still an exposing place to be.
My first foray into eternity (or at least as long as the internet is around). I was encouraged by my best friend to do this. Let loose, encourage, inquire, share "Me" online. I am treating this blog as an online journal of my life, thoughts ideas, struggles, accomplishments, but I am not writing as a diary. I am writing as your girlfriend, your sounding board, your doppelganger. I am writing to hear you say "YES! WHY do they do that?! I thought I was the only one that felt this way!" or "I never admitted this, but that is my fear and your post has made me realize I need to take steps to face it" or "You are CRAZY! but SO AM I!".
I will share the thoughts that I think are important to get out there. I will share my exciting, personal accomplishments and how I react. I will share heartbreak and sadness and how I sink and then float. I am a spiritual person, but also a realist. I will share my leaps of faith and also my "back to reality" moments. My questioning of my faith.
I will also share what I am in love with: family, friendships, food...hmmm... a lot of F's there....
So...the fact that I even did this first post
No. Wait.
The fact that I even set up a blog AND THEN posted this first post is HUGE, and a big "To Do" for me.
I need to run and hide now, regroup, build up my confidence in order to come back and do this again. The internet may give off the aura of being an anonymous playground, but it is still an exposing place to be.
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